7 Tips to Curtail Chronic Complaining
By Tara Kachaturoff

Complaining seems to be a national pastime.  Everyone’s doing it.  We hear complaining on TV – whether we’re watching a sitcom or listening to the evening news.  We hear it on the radio.  In fact, the best-of-the-best talk show hosts make their living from complaining and getting others to do the same.

We read it in the daily press, we read it online, and sometimes we even read entire books which are really one big complaint printed and bound for easier consumption.  We may be married or partnered with someone who is a complainer. Or, worse still, we might be the complainer!

Complaining, like anything else with a negative bent and exacts a price – on everyone.  It’s a toxic spewing of unhappiness, discontent, bitterness, and hatred wrapped in a mislabeled package called “talking” or “having a conversation.”  Let’s call it what it is – complaining.  It might serve a purpose if it were delivered in a different way – from a rational, informed point of view.  It might make sense if it were positioned to make a difference in a positive way or to create change from which all could benefit.  Unfortunately, that‘s not typically how it works.

It’s especially challenging when we’re in a close relationship with someone.  We often can’t just “turn it off” or “leave the environment” to escape it. And, if we’re the one complaining, we may be unaware of the toxic toll it’s taking on your loved one.

Do you ever wonder what your day would be like if it were complaint free?  What type of communities could we build if people weren’t constantly complaining about world events, people, politics, and everything else under the sun?

What type of relationship could we be enjoying with our loved ones if we could reduce complaining and replace it with more meaningful words?  There’s a way to find out – stop complaining and begin to experience the changes around you.

So what if you’re a complainer? Many people are.  If you want to stop whining, grumbling, and ranting, here are some easy tips to help you get started.

1.     Acknowledge that you complain.  A problem defined is a problem half solved.  Before you can acknowledge something, you need to be aware of it.  Perhaps a loved-one, friend, or colleague has pointed out that you have a bad attitude or that they’re tired of your complaining.  Don’t just nod your head. Instead, really listen to what they’re saying.

Other people are our mirrors; they can help us to grow if we just look to them and see how they see us.  Once you’re aware of your complaining, watch your behavior.  Notice when you complain and what prompts you to complain.  Then, acknowledge it.  Admit that you’re a complainer.  You’ve completed step one and now you’re on your way to making change – in a new direction.

2.    Change your behavior.  Changing behavior is easier said than done.  Every one of our habits started with repetition.  In this case, you’re going to retrain yourself to do something else rather than complain.  Instead of complaining, what else can you do?  You have all sorts of options.  Consider adding a compliment rather than something negative.

Or, consider that old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all.” This should be a stand-by behavior at all times.  It’s said that it takes 3 weeks or 21 days to create a new behavior into a habit.  The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be able to install a happier and healthier habit.

3.    Watch the company you keep.  Have you ever noticed that complainers love to hang out with other complainers?  If you have friends who complain, you might want to try changing the subject or interjecting something positive.  Be bold and tell them that you don’t care to listen to the complaining and steer the conversation in a new direction.  They’ll either get it or they won’t.  If they don’t, it’s time to branch out and make some new friends.  You’ll be amazed at how wonderful you feel when you’re in a more positive and uplifting environment.

4.    Don’t do it alone.  Get a complaint buddy.  No, this isn’t someone to sit around with to share complaints.  It’s someone who will gently point out to you that you’re treading down the wrong path.  Sometimes this can be very helpful.  Because complaining is a habit like anything else, we do it unconsciously.

An accountability buddy can help surface that unconscious behavior so you can change it.  You may already have this feature “built-in” with your family and friends as they might be the ones who initially pointed out this behavior.  When you have a partner, it’s easier to be held accountable.  If your buddy is also a complainer, then both of you benefit.  Double win.

5.    Change your environments, change your results.  Sometimes the people, things or ideas with which we surround ourselves are actually fueling our complaints.  If there isn’t fuel, nothing burns – including toxic comments.  Are you constantly complaining about your job?  Do something about it.  Either reframe how you look at your job or move on to something else.  Feeling negative when you’re around certain relatives or friends?  Change the conversation or limit your time with these folks.

Tired of hearing yourself complain about your messy home or office?  Clean it up and enjoy a refreshed environment.  You can make simple changes in your physical, mental, relationship and other environments which can dramatically affect how you feel and, thus, will affect the amount you complain.

6.    Read about it.  Purchase a copy of A Complaint Free World:  How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen.  This book is a wonderful read filled with inspiration to help you stop complaining in 21 days.  In reality, according to the book, it takes people many months before they reach 21 days, in a row, complaint-free, but the rewards are well worth it.  It’s not easy to get through one day without complaining, but you need to start somewhere.  And you keep on doing it until you get through day one.  Then you tackle day two.  Be gentle and start now.

7.    Reward yourself.  How you feel about yourself and how others enjoy you once you reduce your complaining seems like reward enough. Now take it a step further.  Connect something positive to your changed behavior.  Decide on how to reward yourself once you make it through one day complaint-free.  Think of another reward when you’ve completed 5 full days and so on.

Be creative. It’s important to reward yourself for creating change so you continue with it.  One step at a time, in the right direction, will eventually lead you to your destination.  Just as important as it is to reward yourself, be forgiving when you do complain.  Notice it.  Acknowledge it.  Move on.  Start again.  You’ll be pleased with the results.

There it is – seven easy tips for starting on your way to a complaint-free day.  Curtailing your complaining will do wonders for you relationship.  You’ll feel better about yourself and so will others.  Create environments around you that attract the people and things you most desire by speaking words that build up rather than tear down.  This way, everyone wins.

Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.