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Tending the Garden: 5 Tips to Keep Your Relationship Thriving
Posted by: | CommentsTending the Garden: 5 Tips to Keep Your Relationship Thriving
By Tara Kachaturoff
A relationship is a lot like a garden. It needs to be cultivated and tended to in order to thrive. The little steps you take today will make all the difference in you enjoying beautiful flowers, fruits and vegetables at the end of the summer. Like the gardener, you can enjoy a thriving relationship by taking similar steps to grow, maintain, and sustain an enjoyable future with the one you love.
#1 Have a Vision of What is Possible. Gardens don’t plant themselves. They start with the gardener’s vision. From where and what to plant, to the best time to plant, the gardener spends time thinking about what he or she wants as a final outcome before the first shovel of dirt is ever turned over.
The same principle applies to your relationship. It’s important to have a vision for what both of you desire. This doesn’t need to be documented on paper, complex, or a life effort of work. It can be as simple as a drawing, a few words on a card, or a collage of pictures that tells the story of what’s most important to you and your partner.
Whether you met 3 months ago or 30 years ago, it’s never too late to think about what you want in and for your relationship. The vision for what you want is like a road map. You can continue to access it while on the journey of life. It helps you focus and move in the right direction. It also helps you make decisions when you come to a fork in the road.
Think about the big picture. What’s the theme for your relationship? What do you want it to represent? What are you envisioning at the end of your life journey? Take the time to think about what you want, both separately and together, and then work towards those goals to make each and every moment meaningful. A shared vision that you both co-create will allow both of you to fulfill your desires more quickly and easily.
#2. Think About What You Want to Plant. Just as a gardener must decide what to plant, you and your partner should consider your values as signs of what to include in your relationship. Your values, both those you possess individually, as well as those you share in common, determine to a great extent what grows in your relationship. They will help you to “plant” the right things so your relationship can grow and sustain for the long term.
Take a moment to write down your top five or ten values. If you’re living in synchronicity with your values, you’ll notice that many of the people and activities in which you engage are aligned with those values. For example, if self-expression is a strong value, you might be involved with activities that involve writing, speaking, or artwork.
If your partner completes the same exercise, you’ll be able to find the values you have in common and use those to guide your relationship in a direction that resonates with both of you. Certainly you won’t always share the exact same values and that’s good and fine.
Planning activities that support your shared values are like “planting” experiences into your relationship which will allow it to thrive. For example, if you both have a shared value of philanthropy, you both might want to start a charity, go overseas to donate time and resources to those in underserved countries, or work with at-risk children in your own city. Take a close look at your values, your own and the ones you share and use those to determine what you want to see manifest. Creating and enjoying experiences rooted in common values will deepen your relationship in magnificent ways.
#3 Pay Attention to How Things Grow. Sometimes you plant things in ways you didn’t intend. Perhaps you didn’t allow enough space for growth or enough sunshine to shine through or you made some other misstep. Or, maybe you planted some seeds and they failed to germinate. No worries. By paying attention to things as they grow (or don’t grow), you can thin things out, transplant, or consider moving things to pots or other parts of the yard. You can even replant something if it didn’t take the first time.
Likewise, in your relationship, you must pay attention to what grows. Are you responding to your partner with the same level of attention you did when you first met, or do you barely raise an eye as you continue reading your morning paper or playing on the computer? Are you in the habit of spending more time with hobbies and friends, separate from your loved one, or are you making sure you balance your time in the way that keeps you both engaged in a conscious relationship.
It’s easy to fall into ruts that take you away from your relationship. It’s easy to take someone for granted thinking they’ll always be there because up until now they have been. Don’t live out your days thinking your partner will always be there. Sometimes the things you do (and don’t do) can take you in some unplanned and unintended directions.
Self-awareness and a conscientious effort to understand how your thoughts and actions impact your relationship can make a difference in the quality of the life you enjoy together. Be vigilant as to what may be growing in your relationship. As they say, that which grows results from where your attention goes. For something to thrive in our relationship, make it a priority to give it the necessary attention it deserves.
#4 Weed Regularly. Every gardener must engage in a regular routine of weeding. Ridding the garden of things that don’t belong is necessary to provide the optimum growing environment for the plants that do belong. Unwanted weeds take up space, sap resources like water and nutrients from the soil, and can block out much needed sunlight from other plants.
Your relationship requires the same sort of regular tending. You need to rid your relationships of bad habits, unwanted behaviors, and sometimes people and activities that serve to lessen your connection with your loved one. You need strong boundaries that protect the relationship so it can flourish. Having a strong vision for the relationship, not to mention engaging in activities that embrace your common values, will help keep your relationship on track.
Weeding is not an activity you do once, but something you must do all the time — and together. It takes two to build a relationship, two to grow it and two to sustain it for the long-term. Look at it as a way to refresh and re-energize your relationship. We all know how a beautiful a well-tended garden looks. Imagine how wonderful you’ll feel having a well-tended relationship!
#5 Enjoy the fruits of your labors. Whether enjoying newly cut flowers in a vase or the taste of fruits and vegetables plucked fresh from the garden, there’s nothing more delightful to a gardener than celebrating the result of a lot of hard work.
The same can be true for your relationship. Each moment you share and every year that passes should be one that is savored, enjoyed, and memorable. After all, deepening your love for one another, enjoying your time together, creating connection and truly walking together through the good times and bad are what a relationship is all about. Taking time to memorialize your relationship with special events or anniversaries can be a creative and fun way to consciously acknowledge your efforts to work together to create a thriving relationship.
Finally, just like a gardener contacts others for advice about particular situations that demand expert input, keep an open mind to contacting a relationship coach or therapist should you need assistance with relationship issues. There’s no honor in suffering, alone or together, when professionals who can help you discover more about yourself and enrich your relationship are just a call away. Life is easier and more enjoyable when you ask for the help you need.
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Be Happy Now: 5 Tips to Enjoying Summer as a Single!
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s the middle of summer (at least in the United States) and that means it’s that wonderful time of year reserved for taking long vacations, spending more time outdoors, reading juicy novels while sitting poolside, sipping cool drinks and enjoying tasty barbeques. It’s that time for family and friends to come together to share stories and make memories. For some, however, summer can be a time of dread – with no one to spend happy times with, no where special to go and no exciting prospects on the horizon for any of these things.
The good news is that you can change all of this. The even better news is that there are some easy things that you can do right now, during the lazy days of summer, to not only make it a memorable one, but also to increase your chances of meeting that special man or woman. And, if per chance you don’t meet anyone right away, you will have enjoyed more life experiences, made more friends, and enriched your life in many wonderful ways – all things which will make you even more attractive when the right person shows up!
#1 Focus on Fun. As they say, your energy flows where your thoughts go. So if you want to have fun this summer, focus on it. Adopt an open, playful and light attitude for the next few months. When you intentionally focus your thoughts on having fun, that’s what you see. The “energy of fun” naturally resonates at a frequency of which we all want to be a part.
When you focus your thoughts on things that make you happy, you’ll attract that and more to you and your life! If you need a quick and easy way to focus on the right things, adopt the mantra “Summer Fun” and keep saying it to yourself over and over until it plays automatically in your head. If you really want to have some fun with it, design a colorful t-shirt with your favorite things and add these words. Focus on what you want and you’ll get it.
#2 Enjoy Your Hobbies and Interests. If you want to add fool-proof instant fun to your life, jump into enjoying your hobbies. Whether it’s bicycling or eating out at new restaurants, or perhaps listening to your iPod while taking long walks in the park, in the mountains or along the beach, it’s time to do the stuff that’s easy and already fun for you. This brightens your spirits and can put you in the optimum time and place to possibly meet that someone special.
For some things, you might not want to do them alone, so it’s a perfect opportunity to grab a friend and double the fun. If you go online to visit groups like MeetUp, you may be able to find others who are interested in your same hobbies and, if no group exists, create your own and people can come to you! It’s all good. Don’t mope around and drown in despair about being dateless; go out and have fun doing the things that bring you joy.
#3 Get Social. Whether dating is or isn’t on the top of your list, it’s important to spend some time socializing. When you spend too much time alone, your energy gets stale and dull. You begin to overthink things and you start to get increasingly self-focused and self-critical. On occasion you may start sliding down the slippery slope and then, before you know it, you’re on your way to a pity party for one.
You don’t need to join a group or start hanging out with people with whom you would rather not. Instead, just get out of the house. Visit outdoor markets, enjoy a coffee at an outdoor café or while strolling through the mall. Make sure you’re connecting with people. Introduce yourself, shake hands, make eye contact and find ways to engage in small talk even if it’s for just a minute. While this sounds trivial, it’s actually very important so that you don’t allow your social skills to deteriorate.
When you don’t practice socializing, you get out of touch and can feel awkward when you need to really be at your best. If you can’t think of anything to do, find a local organization that needs an extra set of hands to help their cause and volunteer at least an hour of your time weekly. This way you can have fun, get social, and help others in need.
#4 Try a New View. As humans, we’re naturally creatures of comfort. We don’t care too much for change, opting instead to stick with what we know and understand. We like things to be easy and predictable and “change” often refers to circumstances that are out of our control and perhaps not welcome because it’s not on our terms. But change can help you see things from a new perspective and that’s good. When we see with “new eyes,” suddenly a problem can be solved, a worry can be wiped away, and a concern can be quieted.
Start with something easy. Rearrange the furniture in your bedroom or living room. Paint a room a different color. Start getting up or going to bed at a new time. These are simple, low-stress ways to get a new view. Notice how you feel. Most likely, you’ll fee refreshed, re-energized and feel empowered to make even more changes now that you stepped out an made one or two simple ones. A new view will also affect how you put yourself out in the world with others. It may start attracting new people while at the same time causing others to go on their way. Look upon this as a good things and set your intention that this will evolve you closer to your relationship goals while also adding a little spice to your summer fun.
#5 Who and What Do You Want – You Decide! You’re single and it’s summer – what a powerful opportunity. You might not necessarily think so, but rest assured that there’s many a married man or woman who wishes they had the chance to have a clean slate to start over. You’re in the best possible place ever. You can script out what you want for yourself. You can make decisions about who and what you want in your life and then take the steps to make it a reality.
What’s the vision for your life? What do you want to do, be and have? What type of mate or date are you looking for? What are your relationship requirements, needs and wants? These are the big and important questions you need to be asking yourself. You may want to journal about exactly who you’re looking for and the type of life you desire to co-create. Don’t be concerned with “getting” what you want; focus, instead, on unearthing a crystal clear vision of what you really want. The more clarity, the easier you’ll be able to attract it.
These five easy tips can help you create an unforgettable summer. By investing in yourself now, you’ll be investing in your future later. You’re single and it’s summer. Celebrate. This is your golden opportunity to make each and every day count. Keep if fun. Keep it light. Keep it focused on who and what you want most for your life. As the long shadows of fall begin to show themselves in late September, you’ll have wonderful memories to reflect upon as if reading a chapter of a book called, What I did on My Summer Vacation. Get inspired and start making it happen!
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Couples: 5 Tips to Building a Better Relationship by Tara Kachaturoff
Posted by: | CommentsThere’s no shortage of books, articles, audios, videos, classes and workshops all designed to improve your relationship with your significant other. Sometimes we can get so caught up in looking to someone or somewhere else to tell us what we should be doing that we absolutely dismiss our own common sense, replacing it, instead, with complex mental machinations which do more to hinder than help.
As we breeze through the beautiful summer months when things revolve around the lighter side of life, it can also be a time to consider a lighter approach to our relationships. No relationship is without complications and problems. With two personalities, two sets of problems, and two distinct ways of looking at the world, it can seem like a miracle we can get along in the first place.
So what can you do when you find that things are getting a little bit challenging? How can you take a step back, clear your head, and remember that you love the person who, at the current moment, is pushing every button imaginable? How can you refresh, enliven, and breathe some new life into a relationship no matter how long you’ve been together? The answer is simple. Go back to the basics.
Certainly, couples therapy or coaching, reading books and attending workshops all have their time and place. However, if you’re looking for some simple ways to tune in, connect, and build a better relationship, and if you just need some touchups as opposed to a more complex solution, consider these ideas:
#1 Spend Time Together. What!? I know what you’re thinking. You’re a couple or you live together. Why would you need to spend time together? You are together! That may or may not be true. Spending time together is about consciously being with each other – taking the time to acknowledge the other person who is an integral part of your dynamic duo.
Sitting in a room watching TV or at a restaurant as you consume a meal mixed with small talk is far from spending time together if you’re not actively engaging with your partner both head- and heart-wise. With the advent of social media and everyone playing on gadgets all the time, people are even more disconnected in their relationships. Notice how you interact with your partner. What could you do or change to create more quality time with him or her?
#2 Spend Time Apart. Wait, isn’t this the complete opposite of the suggestion above? Yes, it is. Only you know the perfect balance of time together and apart that works for both of you. That being said, it’s imperative you have time away from each other. Absence does make the heart grow fonder and it gives you the opportunity to be with other friends, enjoy singular interests, and to separate your energies for a much needed recharge.
Taking an occasional weekend away from one another can help you to think more clearly about your partner and inspire your love and appreciation for one another. If you both happen to be entrepreneurs working from home – something which is becoming more and more prevalent – time away is absolutely imperative for the sake of mental health!
#3 Invest in Fun. You invest in your retirement or your child’s education because you know how important these are to creating a promising future. In a similar way, you can invest in fun to create a better relationship. Think about this: as children, we’re naturally wired for fun. As we grow older, much of it is stomped out of us — typically by societal expectations that we must be serious.
Relationships need fun, lightness, joy and happiness to survive and thrive. Remember how much fun you had when you met your significant other? Fun and happiness and the newness of the experience (and certainly all those crazy hormones) helped to build and sustain the bond between the both of you. You can revive all that and more by investing in fun. Consciously plan things to do together or with groups of friends. Infuse your relationship with happiness. Visit new places, try new foods, learn new things together that open your mind, tantalize your senses, and create shared memories you can cherish for years to come.
#4 Make it a Priority. If your relationship is a priority to both of you, then rest assured you can work through just about any bump or valley encountered along the way. People focus their energy on what’s important to them. They’ll do whatever it takes to make something work when they view it as worthwhile. I believe the disconnect in relationships is a direct result in a difference in priorities – at least on some fundamental level. It’s important to have mutual discussions to understand where your relationship ranks in terms of other life responsibilities. If there are differences, discuss them and do what it takes to synch things up. If both of you want your relationship to work, it will.
#5 It’s Never too Late to Date. I don’t care if you’ve been in a committed relationship for twenty years – it’s never too late to date. Remember dating — the anticipation, the beating heart, and putting on your best clothes for a night on the town? It’s not too late to revive those nostalgic feelings. Most of our life is created in our mind and you can be walking down memory lane whenever you wish. Thinking can make it so. Dating is something intentional and you can co-create relationship renewal by planning a date once or twice a month — making it a standout time for both.
These five seemingly simple solutions can help you and your partner to move forward, together, in a positive direction. Through conscious acknowledgement of one another, by spending time apart and together, and by infusing fun into your shared life experiences, you can re-energize and re-invigorate your relationship. Draw on the theme of summer fun, lighten it up and make the decision to enjoy life together!
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Three Easy Ways to Enjoy Time with Your Partner
Posted by: | CommentsBy Tara Kachaturoff
It’s easy to get caught up in the rat race, living life unconsciously from day-to-day. You get stuck in ruts and routines and just want to survive through busy weeks to arrive at yet busier weekends. Life can become boring. Not only do you suffer, but your love relationship can suffer as well.
Over time, our relationships can become stale and starchy, dusty and dull. It’s up to you and your partner to keep things interesting. When you invest in your relationship, it invests back in you –- providing the dividends of increased intimacy, deeper connection and more happiness. Now that’s an investment no one would want to pass up!
With the changing of the seasons, from spring to summer in the northern hemisphere and from fall to winter in the southern, it’s a great time to stretch yourself, try new things, and reinvigorate not only yourself, but also your relationship with your life partner.
While change may sometimes be uncomfortable, it’s often what catches your attention, awakens your heart and mind, and energizes you. It can be a catalyst that keeps your relationship interesting and engaging and moving forward in a positive direction — for both of you!
Here are some ways to invigorate your relationship. They’re simple, easy, and guaranteed to make a positive difference in your relationship.
#1 Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
Plan a simple one day or weekend trip with your partner, but do it with a twist. Instead of planning it in excruciating detail, give yourself only one hour to plan the entire thing from start to finish – and both of you need to do it together. Make it simple, take a mode of transportation you don’t typically use, and plan one activity you absolutely want to accomplish on your trip. And, just to keep things interesting, each of you can only bring one overnight bag.
For example, my partner and I might plan a trip to Chicago, by train, and plan to have lunch at The Cheesecake Factory followed by a late dinner and dancing at another fun downtown venue. Make it an adventure – it’s more fun that way.
#2. Date Night with a Twist.
That sounds kind of boring, right? Well, it doesn’t need to be. Rather than planning a special night every week until death do you part, make them sporadic and spontaneous! To make this even more fun, sit down with your partner, write down some crazy date ideas and save them in an envelope.
Write down 20 to 30 ideas that you would both be willing to commit to. They can include themes, dressing up, visits to special places (and don’t forget the places you’ve always wanted to visit), and anything else that seems fun, adventurous and something you would love to share with your partner. When you’re looking to spend a fun day together or a night on the town, just grab your envelope of ideas, select one and run with it.
For example, if you planned something around a 50’s theme, you might visit a local malt shop or go out for fast food and buy a milk shake and a burger. And, make that one milkshake with two straws — so you can share!
#3. Talk Time.
How much time do you spend talking to your partner – really talking to him or her about things you both care about? I’m not referring to arguing about the kids, talking about chores, or defending your most recent purchases (this applies equally to guys and gals). If the only talking you do is about problems, then you need to make some changes — and quickly!
The fastest way to increase intimacy in your relationship is to engage in regular, meaningful conversations. You don’t need to spend countless hours in deep discussion, but instead, set aside at least 15 to 30 minutes a day where you can just connect. Make it a special and relaxing time. Let your hair down, enjoy a glass of wine, and engage in some nice, non-stressful conversation. You may want to even make a game out of it and have both of you write down topics on pieces of paper and then select one or more of them each time you sit down. There are also books filled with questions that are fun for couples. Be creative. Talk about anything as long as it’s light and easy. It’s great way to create some memories and connection with your loved one, not to mention a wonderful relaxing break for both of you.
These three simple ideas are easy to implement and are great “let’s-do-this-together” activities. They provide wonderful opportunities to invest in what you value most – your relationship. Little things do mean a lot and they can make the difference in your personal happiness and the success of your relationship. Your challenge: Plan to do one of these with your partner in the next 24 hours!
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff and www.relationshipplanning.com. All rights reserved in all media.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Join Master Certified Relationship Coach for Singles and producer and host of Michigan Entrepreneur TV, Tara Kachaturoff, on Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at the Community House in Birmingham, Michigan for an informative class on Dating Red Flags.
This class is geared for the newly single as well as those who haven’t dated in a while and who are interested in improving their dating and relationship knowledge.
If you want to find the love of your life, you can’t afford to ignore dating red flags. But what if you don’t know what they are in the first place?
In this two and a half hour course, Tara Kachaturoff will discuss how you can be a conscious single when it comes to dealing with dating red flags, including a review of at least two dozen of the most popular ones. You’ll learn what you need to know to spot the warning signs and the reasons you might be ignoring them even when you do spot them. Most importantly, you’ll discover ten strategies for effectively dealing with them.
“Today’s singles need to be more informed than ever if they truly want to find a great relationship. I believe learning about dating red flags will help single men and women to see the early warning signs and move on much more quickly than they did in the past. Face it, none of us is getting any younger. We can’t afford to lose months or years by spending it with the wrong person. I teach single professional men and women the knowledge and skills they need to be conscious daters so they can find the love of their life and live the life they love, “says Tara Kachaturoff.
If you want to know more about what you don’t know about dating red flags, join Tara Kachaturoff at the Birmingham Community House on Tuesday, May 17, 2011, from 6:30 to 9:00 pm ET. Each student also receives a complimentary 30-minute telephone coaching call to discuss their individual dating concerns.
To Register: http://www.CommunityHouse.com
About Tara Kachaturoff
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles personally trained by David Steele, CEO and Founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships thru her onsite and teleseminar courses. A staff member of RCI since 2004, Tara is the editor of Conscious Dating News for Singles as well as Partners in Life News for Couples, two publications with distribution to over 25,000 singles and couples around the world. She is also the author of Dating Success Secrets: 52 Tips for Finding a Great Date.
Tara spent her career in corporate finance in the tech industry and provides consulting and business services to companies around the world.