5 Quick Tips for Finding a Great Date
By · Comments5 Quick Tips for Finding a Great Date
By Tara Kachaturoff
Imagine this: There’s a knock at your door. You’re dressed in your best Hello Kitty® pajamas and comfy pink bunny slippers. You run to answer it. Your heart is beating uncontrollably. Your face is flush. You pause. You grab the door knob, turning it slowly. You open the door, an inch at a time, as you peer around it. Then you fling it open and there he is! Adonis, the man you always wanted and waited for, a perfect answer to your perfect fantasy. Your hands clutch at your heart as you revel in your dream come true and then you let out a sigh of relief.
Is there any possibility this would every happen? Absolutely not. Yet every day singles think that the man or women of their dreams is going to magically appear at their doorstep without any effort on their part. Unfortunately, life just isn’t that easy and it just doesn’t work that way. However, there is a solution.
If you want to meet the man or woman of your dreams here are some tips to increase the odds. They’re simple ideas, yet they may take a little more effort when it comes to execution. Don’t hesitate to enlist the help you need whether it be from a friend or even a relationship coach. It’s so much easier to do life and to accomplish your goals when you don’t go it alone.
5 Tips to Finding the Love of Your Life
1. Write down who and what you’re looking for.
What are your relationship requirements, needs and wants? Grab a sheet of paper and write them down. Requirements are what you must have in order to enter and remain in the relationship. These are unique to you and are non-negotiable. Needs are things you would like to have and are willing to work with your partner to get them. Also, jot down some notes about what you seek in your potential date and the types of things you want to enjoy in the relationship. By working with a relationship coach, you can create a more detailed and comprehensive action plan. For now, drafting even one page of notes about your desires will help immensely to focus you on what you want before you start getting involved in the dating process.
In a nutshell: Invest now, reap dividends later. By doing your homework now, you’ll find who and what you want more quickly and easily.
2. Pry yourself out of the house.
You’re never going to meet single men and women at your home unless you’re hosting parties for them. No one, except for the mailman, the occasional solicitor or the package delivery guy, is going to come to your front door – and it won’t be for a date. So, get dressed and get out even if it’s for nothing but to take a stroll around the mall or to visit the library. Make an effort to engage in social interaction. It’s important to keep connecting with people. It’s much too easy for singles to become isolated and to have their job as their only social outlet. Schedule it into your calendar to get out of the house at least one day or evening each week.
In a nutshell: Get out of the house because you won’t find anyone there to date.
3. Seek out other singles.
Visit venues where you’ll likely meet other people who are looking to date. This calls for some investigative work on your part. Search online or ask your friends about various venues, clubs, classes, or events that are known to cater to singles. Print out information, make notes and place them in a folder for future reference. Then pick one of these places and check it out. If you’re uncomfortable going by yourself, enlist the company of a friend and go together. Just remember to split up once you arrive so that you can both meet others. You can always get together later and share stories.
In a nutshell: Go where other singles are. Seek out venues where you’ll find others who are seeking what you’re seeking.
4. Suspend critical thinking and just have fun.
Free your mind from limiting beliefs and expectations as to how you think singles are. People carry around all sorts of preconceived notions and judgments about others. Suspend those thoughts for now. Have an open mind. Know that there is one thing we all want – to be connected in meaningful ways to others and to feel loved. We are all just people, more similar to each other rather than different from each other. Adopt an open attitude towards to the experience of getting to know others and you’ll see that reflected back to you. And have fun. Life is so short. Enjoy the journey and you’ll attract others who will want to join you on the way.
In a nutshell: Stop critical thinking. Open your heart to others by first opening your thoughts to being more accepting of others and therefore of yourself.
5. Take your time and pay attention.
You can’t see potential problems (dating red flags), if you’re moving too quickly through the process of getting to know potential new dates. Take your time. Avoid the decision to commit quickly to an exclusive dating arrangement. Make sure things are aligned with your relationship requirements. Meet their friends and family and have them meet yours. Experience a variety of activities with your dates. Take your time to ensure this person is a good fit for you and what you want for your life.
In a nutshell: Dating isn’t a race to the finish. Take your time. Watch for warning signs. If it’s not a good fit, move on and find someone else who is.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Tara’s 7 Simple Relationship Success Tips
By · CommentsTara’s 7 Simple Relationship Success Tips
By Tara Kachaturoff
Sometimes we become so mired in our day-to-day responsibilities that our relationship with our partner suffers. There’s so much to do, so much to think about and so little time for any of it. What we give our attention to will grow; what we ignore will wither and die. Our relationships are a continual work in progress, requiring attention and care from both partners.
We want our relationship to thrive. We want to be happy, by ourselves and together. Here are some tips to help you keep what’s most important top of mind. While seemingly simple, these tips will serve you and your partner well throughout the years ahead. Working together, you can both be actively engaged in nurturing what you share together. You both win!
7 Relationship Tips
1. Compromise – on some things.
Relationships are a two-way street. You will not always get your way and neither will your partner. It just isn’t possible or realistic. Some things call for compromise and only you and your partner will know what those things are. When an issue arises, discuss it, share your views and then reach a conclusion.
When you establish a give and take, you’ll find a rhythm which allows you to give a little now because, next time, you know your partner will give a little then. It’s never a matter of keeping score; it’s just something you do because you work together as partners for the good of the relationship. You know that you want each of you to be fulfilled in getting needs met even if one may need to compromise to make that happen. You do it because you care and love each other. It’s that simple.
2. Surface resentments and then let them go.
Is there something that irritates you about your partner — something boiling over on the backburner? If so, find the right time to surface it and discuss it. Make sure both of you are free of distraction and have the time and energy for conversation. Until you excavate and share underlying resentments, these things will fester and color all other dealings you have with your partner.
Clearing the air of resentments as they occur, rather than waiting for them to build up into seemingly insurmountable issues, will pay dividends in the end. If you can’t communicate comfortably with your partner, consider hiring a relationship coach who can help both of you to co-create an environment where you both feel safe sharing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your relationship is worth it!
3. Treat your partner like you would treat others.
How do you treat new people you meet? What level of respect do you show them? You wouldn’t belittle, name call, or raise your voice at someone you just met so why would you do these things to your partner?
Your behavior in public shouldn’t be different from what it is at home. If it is, then it should be better, not worse! Take some time to think about how you treat your partner and then take it up a notch. Your partner deserves the best. And, when you give your best, it’s likely you’ll have the same reflected back to you. If you have poor interpersonal skills, again, consider engaging the help of a relationship coach who can help both of you communicate more effectively.
4. Make time for your relationship.
People make time for things that are important to them – going to concerts or the movies, reading a book, watching TV, talking on the phone and socializing on Facebook. Why not funnel some of that time into your relationship. Believe me, at the end of your life, you won’t be reviewing things wondering why you didn’t spend more time sending out tweets or posting trivial status updates to an unknown mass of humanity.
You’re not immortal; time stands still for no one. Spend your time focused on what is real and meaningful. Don’t wait for something to happen to realize what’s truly important in life. If your calendar is where you pencil in all the important things in your life, then pencil in some time with your partner. You’ll both be glad you did.
5. All work and no play makes for a dull relationship.
Dull is a reality of life. Thankfully you can do something about it. Boring, dull and bland are words that will affect, without a doubt, most relationships at one time or another. That’s normal. It’s when this persists for a period that is seemingly without end that it can spell disaster.
Contrary to popular belief, relationships do take work (sometimes hard work) and sometimes we have to plan some excitement into them. Planning can be fun. One idea is to plan a weekly or monthly adventure. It can be to visit a new restaurant, to take a short day trip, or to do something that both of you or one of you has never done before. In fact, rather than create New Year Resolutions that will fall quickly by the wayside, why not sit down together on New Year’s eve (before partying) and plan out one adventure each month for the upcoming year!
6. Happy partners make for a happy couple.
You’ll be a better partner if you have some of your own interests and friends to enjoy on your own – without your partner. It doesn’t matter how much in love you are with your partner or if you adore spending every waking moment with him or her. It’s just not healthy. And, it puts too much pressure on each of you and the relationship to fulfill every whim and need you both may have.
Each of you has a distinct personal identity – and that needs to be nurtured — separately. Certainly, you enjoy many activities together as any couple should; but it’s important to spend time away from each other so each of you can get other important needs met.
No one wants to be smothered or to feel like they can’t have some space and free time to enjoy life as they wish. And don’t forget the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spend some time apart so you can actually miss each other a bit. It makes coming back together all the more enjoyable.
7. Communicate regularly.
It’s so easy to come home from work and bury ourselves in entertainment, more work, or other activities which don’t actively involve consciously communicating with our mate – like playing on social media, for example.
No one wants to be in a relationship all alone. Communication is the glue that keeps it all together. We basically have two options when it comes to communicating with our partner – through our physical actions and by speaking with and listening to each other. That’s it.
Communication includes many things and it’s beyond the common everyday things like asking, “What’s on TV tonight” or “Did you see that crazy video on YouTube?” or discussing what happened on last night’s latest reality TV spectacle. Real communication is about sharing thoughts and feelings and discussing what’s important while giving each other full attention. As M. Scott Peck says, “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
Try it out for yourself
Share these tips with your spouse or significant other. Use them as a basis for further conversation about how you can interact differently with each other for the well-being of your relationship.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Singles: Take Time for You
By · CommentsThe name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you’re going to live long enough to wish you had.
– Grace Mirabella
Life is all about balance. When things are out of balance, everything feels and looks harder than it really is. You have less energy and sometimes your outlook isn’t as bright as it should or could be. And that’s exactly where you don’t want to be – especially if you want to be at your best when it comes to dating!
So what causes your life to become unbalanced? The reasons are innumerable, but here are a few that are very common:
• You don’t get enough sleep.
• You don’t take enough breaks.
• You waste precious time doodling on social media rather than attending to more fulfilling things in your life.
• You take on too many things that are well beyond your capacity to handle all at once.
• You eat poorly which causes other things to spiral out of control.
• You don’t focus on priorities and allow little things or the “issue of the moment” to take you off track.
• You allow others to decide what you should be doing in your life rather than making those decisions for yourself.
• You don’t practice using the word “No” as often as you should.
• You don’t engage in a variety of activities that challenge you mentally, physically, and spiritually.
• You do too much of one thing and allow it to overtake our life at the expense of living a more balanced life.
Dating is one of those life activities that can take over your life. It can also throw your life out of balance. You may be going out a lot, burning the candle at both ends, not eating right, eating too much, not getting enough rest and so on.
Too much of anything, even dating, can lead to burn out. And when you don’t feel your best, other things can suffer. Dating requires a lot of energy output – it’s focused a lot on others and an outward expression of your energy. You must have enough energy coming into your “system” to balance all that is going out.
Sometimes it’s necessary to take a break and take some time off. Reconnect with yourself. Sit quietly; spend some time with a hobby. Get some needed rest and relaxation. Consciously schedule it into your calendar if that’s what it’s going to take. You may even take a day away and get a hotel room and just be by yourself — away from everyone and everything.
Sleep is one of the most important elements of life balance and one which our society, as a whole, fails to appreciate. We think we’re going to be more successful if we keep ourselves in a continuous state of busyness as if we think we might disappear from the face of the planet should we actually take care of ourselves with a little shut eye.
Sleep is a necessary requirement for a healthy mind and body. You can’t “make up” sleep you miss. Your body must have rest so that it can repair itself. And there’s no mistaking that there’s something to be said for “beauty sleep.” It does make you look better!
From time to time, it’s good practice to gather the scattered aspects of yourself and just reflect and be. We all need a break from our lives, including our dating life. Once you take some time off, you’ll find yourself renewed, your energy restored, and most likely, your view on people and things refreshed.
Even when you are dating someone, you need time to yourself. And don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Be conscious about your life balance. Take time to notice what you’re doing with your time and energy and make sure you’re focusing on yourself. You can’t be your best with others if you’re not taking care of you first!
Questions for Further Exploration
• Assess the current state of your life. Does it feel in balance?
• If your life doesn’t feel in balance, identify what you’re doing too much of and too little of?
• How much time do you take each week just to be by yourself, not doing anything (no, you can’t count the time you’re sleeping or commuting to work)?
• What can you eliminate from your schedule to free up at least a half-day to a full-day of “me” time each week?
• What are some self-care activities you can do to refresh your energy? Make a list of at least 10 things.
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Excerpted from the book, Dating Success Secrets. Used with permission.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Singles: What’s the Vision for Your Life?
By · CommentsYour vision is the promise of what you shall one day be.
– James Allen
Singles are often unclear as to what they want when it comes to a relationship. If you lack clarity, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to define what you do and don’t want when it comes to a life partner. As a result, you may enter into unhealthy or even unsafe situations which may lead to further disappointment. Worse still is that you can end up wasting valuable time – months, if not years – with the wrong person. Since you only have one life to live, it’s important to make the most of the time you do have.
When you don’t know what you’re looking for, you can end up with just about anything. For today’s evolved singles, most are not willing to settle for so little; they want much, much more. The best way to find and have what you want in a relationship is to get really clear on exactly what you want it to be. When you know what you do want, it’s easy to determine what you don’t want. That makes all your decisions from that point forward much easier to make.
Singles who have a vision for what they want in their life are attractive to others. Everyone enjoys being around people who have strong goals and aspirations and who are on track with achieving them. You can feel the confidence they naturally exude. They have a direction; they aren’t lost. They live their life with intention. Every step they take is in a direction that counts for them. They know what they want and what they do not want. They don’t waste even a second of their lifetime doing anything inconsistent with their vision.
Just like everyone else, they make mistakes or misjudge someone or something. Yet, as soon as they discover they’re off track, they remind themselves of their vision and how important it is, and course correct until they’re once again moving towards their goals.
Your vision is the future you want to create for you. It’s the underlying reason why you do what you do. It’s a clear and compelling picture of a preferred and attainable future. It’s a framework for what is possible for you and it can carry you forward for a lifetime. It’s the roadmap you create that shows you where you’re going in your life.
What’s the vision for your life? What do you want in the various parts of your life when it comes to your health, wealth, family, physical environment, interests, relationships, career, and spirituality?
Let’s focus more on the vision for your relationship. What do you see as possible? What type of relationship do you desire? What type of man or woman can you imagine yourself with? What values do you share with each other? What activities are you involved in and, perhaps most importantly, what do you see as the vision of what you want to accomplish together?
When you invest conscious thought into what you want, you’ll discover that it’s easier to spot what you’re looking for when you meet a potential new date. Because your heart and mind are keyed into a particular vibration, you’ll naturally tap into ones that are similar. That’s why it’s so important you define your vision in as much detail as possible. Your thoughts have power – and they are the first place to start when it comes to turning your vision into a reality.
Explore the vision for your life and the relationship you desire. The clearer you are about who and what you want in your life, the easier if will be to find the love of your life.
Questions for Further Exploration
• What’s the vision for your life?
• What’s your vision for each part of your life: health, wealth, family, physical environment, interests, relationships, career, and spirituality?
• Focus on the vision your have for your relationship. Write a detailed description of how you imagine it. Write this in first person and in the present tense as if you’re describing it happening now. Make it real.
• Write down 3 things you can take to move forward to realizing the vision you have for each of the following areas: health, wealth, family, physical environment, interests, relationships, career, and spirituality.
• How do you feel now that you’ve outlined, even broadly, the vision you have for your life?
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Excerpted from the book, Dating Success Secrets. Used with permission.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Life is complex and so are our relationships. While most of us can navigate through many of the daily disagreements and problems which arise, inevitably you’ll encounter some seemingly insurmountable situations which will test your mettle as well as that of your partner.
Life Changing Challenges
These are situations that are often life-changing and can possibly involve extreme challenges to you –physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. These times may involve serious medical issues, being a victim of violent crime, or some other catastrophic event. These are the times that can leave you dazed, in shock, and wondering how something like this could ever happen to someone like you.
Few escape challenges like this in life; it’s just the way things are. These sudden events, which can turn a wonderfully normal life into a nightmare in mere seconds, will not only transform you personally, but can potentially cause upheaval in all of your relationships – with yourself, your partner, your family and friends, and even your Creator. These are the circumstances that call on you to navigate an unforeseen future in what can seem like a long, dark, surreal never-ending journey.
While sometimes it can seem all but impossible to keep your head above water as you deal with your own personal trauma, it’s also affecting your partner – who may or may not be experiencing the circumstance in the same manner or degree. Even if they were also involved, each of you will process the event differently and will heal in your own individual ways and in your own time.
Connection with Others is Important
Connection with others is vital to our well-being – and all the more so during tough times. It’s important to try to maintain relationships with others because they are your support system and they help you to heal faster. Sometimes you have to admit you can’t do it alone and you need to call on your extended family, your friends, and possibly other helping professionals.
Early on, while you may not be able to communicate in ways you were accustomed prior to experiencing a dramatic life change, and while you may not have the energy to do so as one tends to focus inward and there might be little desire to talk at all, still there are ways you can “walk” alongside your partner –to acknowledge them and maintain some sort of connection. It can be healing for both of you.
Communicating with Your Partner
While seeking out professional help is top of the list, here are some ideas you may find useful if you’re ever in a situation that unseats you from all you know to be true about life. These suggestions are provided to help you maintain connection with your loved one while you’re trying to regain your balance, work through the details, and re-assemble your life into some sense of wholeness.
First and foremost, communicating that you need time and space to heal is important. If you can’t verbalize this yourself, seek out a qualified therapist or friend to assist. Having meetings with a supportive third party present will help dissipate tension and stress and smooth communications between you and your partner.
It’s important for both of you to understand that you have (or both of you have) a full plate and that your focus may be quite different for the days, weeks, and months to come. Setting the right expectations and tone keeps both of you informed and on the same page.
Communicate your needs — for alone time, for together time, for crying, exercise, seeing a therapist, sitting with a friend or whatever you happen to need at the moment. Your home life, your routine, and many things you did before may dramatically change. All of this can add tension to an already stressful situation.
Both of you need to understand that change will be the norm for a while. And, it might also be discussed that it’s okay if you don’t talk, or if you talk less. This reduces the stress of feeling obligated to engage in conversations that you might not be ready for in the early days of healing. This will give you and your partner the space and the opportunity to communicate in other creative ways.
You may not be yourself for a while and that’s okay. Maybe you don’t want to even talk about the situation that created the chaos in your life. That’s not a reason to pull away from your partner, but it may be necessary that you set up some “rules” until you can more easily and comfortably talk about what happened. Again, working with a therapist or other helping professional can help set the stage so one or both of you can heal while still maintaining a sense of supportiveness and connection between you.
If you don’t feel like talking all the time, try some alternatives. For example, instant messaging or texting might feel a little more comfortable. Handwriting occasional notes will also be healing as it externalizes and grounds you. Playing a board game, watching an uplifting movie together, sipping coffee or sharing some food you both enjoy while not feeling the pressure to converse can still provide you with together time. It keeps things light without taxing your mind and emotions.
Walking together, holding hands, sitting or cuddling together on the couch to listen to some music can provide a sense of closeness, reduce mental tension and provide a non-stressful way to be together.
New or different environments may be soothing as well. Visiting a nearby park, lake, ocean or other outdoor setting can instill serenity and calm while allowing you to drink up the healing vibrations of nature. Gardening can also be quite therapeutic. Digging in the rich earth, planting things and caring for something outside of yourself, together, can be quite satisfying.
Art can also be enjoyed together, drawing on other parts of your heart and mind. Sometimes visiting a museum and enjoying the silence while contemplating the beautiful works that surround you can help to pull you into the present. Engaging in some art of your own might also be helpful. Painting together, making a collage, or working on some fun household project can also be a way to enjoy connection in a creative way.
The Journey Ahead
The road to healing doesn’t need to be traveled alone. While your relationship will inevitably transform as you continue your life’s journey, you can still maintain your treasured relationship with your partner. While you may find it helpful to engage in some different ways of communicating in the early days of healing, and you may need to engage help from others to do it, you may find that these experiences actually deepen your relationship, transforming it and elevating it to a new level. To your healing, connecting, and moving forward together.