Archive for Dating Tips
Love: It All Starts with You!
Posted by: | CommentsLove: It All Starts with You!
By Tara Kachaturoff
If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will. Not only that – you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self. Wayne Dyer
You can’t really love another person until you can love yourself. For many of us, we will spend our entire lifetime learning how to love ourselves – how to accept our precious selves just as we are. Does that mean we can’t love others or date or get married one day? Absolutely not. But it does add some challenges along the way.
If we don’t know how to experience love for ourselves, then it’s hard to experience that with others. If we can’t be friends with ourselves, then it’s challenging to be a true friend to someone else. If we don’t like being alone with ourselves, then others probably wouldn’t want to be around us either. That makes perfect sense, right?
Lovable Me
When we’re born, we’re lovable little babies. We’re happy and playful and we don’t have poor self-esteem or lack self worth. Yet, somehow and somewhere along the journey called life, we can lose that loving feeling. And worse still, it can turn into self-condemnation, hatred and an overall sense of no or low self-worth.
We become subject to criticism and judgments – by our parents and our teachers, by our siblings and our friends and through our institutions of learning and faith. Everyone has an opinion of us. And, then one day, unconsciously, somehow, we buy into what they’re saying. Someone else’s opinion of us becomes more important that our own opinion of ourselves.
We start believing what others say about who they think we are. We drink in the lies like we’re drinking in the last glass of water before a hundred mile trek through the desert. Sadly, some of us lose our connection to our lovable self, our innermost essence which has always been and forever will be within us.
The Most Important Relationship is the One with Yourself
Life is all about relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is the one you have with yourself. And, little by little, by adopting new attitudes about yourself and taking actions which further behaviors that express love to yourself, you’ll be able to love yourself and, thus, more fully love others.
In the meantime, you’ll still be dating, making new friends and, hopefully, meeting the love of your life along the way. This isn’t a step process; it’s more like being on an escalator. It’s fluid. It’s a learning experience where you’re slowly rising to the next level of understanding about yourself – loving and accepting yourself just a little bit more every single day.
No matter what you think about yourself, you can benefit from engaging in behaviors that help you love and respect yourself even more. And, as mentioned, the more you do this, the more you’ll be able to express these same qualities to others.
Ideas: Loving Practices for You
Here are some easy practices to help you get started. Even if you focus on one of these, you’ll notice your attitude about yourself and others will change over time. You’ll begin to open your heart to yourself like never before. You’ll feel lighter, happier and more at ease in your own skin. Others will notice it as well and will be more attracted to you and you to them. It’s a win-win!
#1 Take time for yourself. Schedule in some regular “me” time to treat yourself well. Enjoy your hobbies, plan spa days or just do something fun by yourself and for yourself. You need to write these activities into your calendar so they aren’t an afterthought or easily forgotten. An appointment with yourself is more important than any other appointment! You need to focus conscious time on taking care of you. You never need an excuse for rewarding yourself with the gift of regular self-care. It’s healthy and necessary to take care of yourself so you are at your best. You deserve it!
#2 Be social. Friendships can lead to dates and dates can lead to committed relationships. So get out there and meet and greet some new people! Join clubs or groups that interest you. Take classes or start your own group around something fun. Plan at least one social event per week. This will keep you engaged and energized. You’ll have the opportunity to share who you are – your personality, talents, gifts and your own unique view of the world. Love yourself by sharing who you are with others!
#3 Forgive yourself. You’re not perfect. No one is. You’ve made mistakes. Everyone does and that’s normal and expected. There’s nothing you’ve done in your life that isn’t deserving of forgiveness. If someone you loved had done the exact same things that you’ve done, could you forgive them? Of course. So save yourself the time and do this now. And, in the future, if and when you do more things that you don’t like (all of us will do this), immediately forgive yourself. You deserve it!
#4 Be your own best friend. How do you treat your friends? What do you say to them? Contrast that with how you treat yourself now. Note any differences. You spend time with your friends. You’re there for them. You speak kindly to them. You enjoy their company. What if you were your own best friend? You should be doing the exact same things you do for your friends for yourself. Try this out now.
For the next week treat yourself as if you’re dealing with your best friend – because you are. Your self-talk should be positive and uplifting. Enjoy time for peaceful introspection and reflection. Find ways to care for yourself – for starters, refer to the other suggestions in this article. With practice, you’ll be happier, more content and you’ll really begin to feel the love!
#5 Accept yourself as is. You’re enough. There’s nothing to add. Know that you’re complete as you are. If you choose to add things, great; if not, that’s fine as well. Don’t ever think that you didn’t come fully installed with love, understanding, kindness and compassion. As mentioned before, our life journey is to uncover or unearth all these things within us that are already there. The next step is to share them with everyone you can!
Copyright © 2012 by Tara Kachaturoff. Used with permission. All rights reserved in all media.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
7 Tips to Curtail Chronic Complaining
Posted by: | Comments7 Tips to Curtail Chronic Complaining
By Tara Kachaturoff
Complaining seems to be a national pastime. Everyone’s doing it. We hear complaining on TV – whether we’re watching a sitcom or listening to the evening news. We hear it on the radio. In fact, the best-of-the-best talk show hosts make their living from complaining and getting others to do the same.
We read it in the daily press, we read it online, and sometimes we even read entire books which are really one big complaint printed and bound for easier consumption. We may be married or partnered with someone who is a complainer. Or, worse still, we might be the complainer!
Complaining, like anything else with a negative bent and exacts a price – on everyone. It’s a toxic spewing of unhappiness, discontent, bitterness, and hatred wrapped in a mislabeled package called “talking” or “having a conversation.” Let’s call it what it is – complaining. It might serve a purpose if it were delivered in a different way – from a rational, informed point of view. It might make sense if it were positioned to make a difference in a positive way or to create change from which all could benefit. Unfortunately, that‘s not typically how it works.
It’s especially challenging when we’re in a close relationship with someone. We often can’t just “turn it off” or “leave the environment” to escape it. And, if we’re the one complaining, we may be unaware of the toxic toll it’s taking on your loved one.
Do you ever wonder what your day would be like if it were complaint free? What type of communities could we build if people weren’t constantly complaining about world events, people, politics, and everything else under the sun?
What type of relationship could we be enjoying with our loved ones if we could reduce complaining and replace it with more meaningful words? There’s a way to find out – stop complaining and begin to experience the changes around you.
So what if you’re a complainer? Many people are. If you want to stop whining, grumbling, and ranting, here are some easy tips to help you get started.
1. Acknowledge that you complain. A problem defined is a problem half solved. Before you can acknowledge something, you need to be aware of it. Perhaps a loved-one, friend, or colleague has pointed out that you have a bad attitude or that they’re tired of your complaining. Don’t just nod your head. Instead, really listen to what they’re saying.
Other people are our mirrors; they can help us to grow if we just look to them and see how they see us. Once you’re aware of your complaining, watch your behavior. Notice when you complain and what prompts you to complain. Then, acknowledge it. Admit that you’re a complainer. You’ve completed step one and now you’re on your way to making change – in a new direction.
2. Change your behavior. Changing behavior is easier said than done. Every one of our habits started with repetition. In this case, you’re going to retrain yourself to do something else rather than complain. Instead of complaining, what else can you do? You have all sorts of options. Consider adding a compliment rather than something negative.
Or, consider that old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all.” This should be a stand-by behavior at all times. It’s said that it takes 3 weeks or 21 days to create a new behavior into a habit. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be able to install a happier and healthier habit.
3. Watch the company you keep. Have you ever noticed that complainers love to hang out with other complainers? If you have friends who complain, you might want to try changing the subject or interjecting something positive. Be bold and tell them that you don’t care to listen to the complaining and steer the conversation in a new direction. They’ll either get it or they won’t. If they don’t, it’s time to branch out and make some new friends. You’ll be amazed at how wonderful you feel when you’re in a more positive and uplifting environment.
4. Don’t do it alone. Get a complaint buddy. No, this isn’t someone to sit around with to share complaints. It’s someone who will gently point out to you that you’re treading down the wrong path. Sometimes this can be very helpful. Because complaining is a habit like anything else, we do it unconsciously.
An accountability buddy can help surface that unconscious behavior so you can change it. You may already have this feature “built-in” with your family and friends as they might be the ones who initially pointed out this behavior. When you have a partner, it’s easier to be held accountable. If your buddy is also a complainer, then both of you benefit. Double win.
5. Change your environments, change your results. Sometimes the people, things or ideas with which we surround ourselves are actually fueling our complaints. If there isn’t fuel, nothing burns – including toxic comments. Are you constantly complaining about your job? Do something about it. Either reframe how you look at your job or move on to something else. Feeling negative when you’re around certain relatives or friends? Change the conversation or limit your time with these folks.
Tired of hearing yourself complain about your messy home or office? Clean it up and enjoy a refreshed environment. You can make simple changes in your physical, mental, relationship and other environments which can dramatically affect how you feel and, thus, will affect the amount you complain.
6. Read about it. Purchase a copy of A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen. This book is a wonderful read filled with inspiration to help you stop complaining in 21 days. In reality, according to the book, it takes people many months before they reach 21 days, in a row, complaint-free, but the rewards are well worth it. It’s not easy to get through one day without complaining, but you need to start somewhere. And you keep on doing it until you get through day one. Then you tackle day two. Be gentle and start now.
7. Reward yourself. How you feel about yourself and how others enjoy you once you reduce your complaining seems like reward enough. Now take it a step further. Connect something positive to your changed behavior. Decide on how to reward yourself once you make it through one day complaint-free. Think of another reward when you’ve completed 5 full days and so on.
Be creative. It’s important to reward yourself for creating change so you continue with it. One step at a time, in the right direction, will eventually lead you to your destination. Just as important as it is to reward yourself, be forgiving when you do complain. Notice it. Acknowledge it. Move on. Start again. You’ll be pleased with the results.
There it is – seven easy tips for starting on your way to a complaint-free day. Curtailing your complaining will do wonders for you relationship. You’ll feel better about yourself and so will others. Create environments around you that attract the people and things you most desire by speaking words that build up rather than tear down. This way, everyone wins.
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
5 Quick Tips for Finding a Great Date
Posted by: | Comments5 Quick Tips for Finding a Great Date
By Tara Kachaturoff
Imagine this: There’s a knock at your door. You’re dressed in your best Hello Kitty® pajamas and comfy pink bunny slippers. You run to answer it. Your heart is beating uncontrollably. Your face is flush. You pause. You grab the door knob, turning it slowly. You open the door, an inch at a time, as you peer around it. Then you fling it open and there he is! Adonis, the man you always wanted and waited for, a perfect answer to your perfect fantasy. Your hands clutch at your heart as you revel in your dream come true and then you let out a sigh of relief.
Is there any possibility this would every happen? Absolutely not. Yet every day singles think that the man or women of their dreams is going to magically appear at their doorstep without any effort on their part. Unfortunately, life just isn’t that easy and it just doesn’t work that way. However, there is a solution.
If you want to meet the man or woman of your dreams here are some tips to increase the odds. They’re simple ideas, yet they may take a little more effort when it comes to execution. Don’t hesitate to enlist the help you need whether it be from a friend or even a relationship coach. It’s so much easier to do life and to accomplish your goals when you don’t go it alone.
5 Tips to Finding the Love of Your Life
1. Write down who and what you’re looking for.
What are your relationship requirements, needs and wants? Grab a sheet of paper and write them down. Requirements are what you must have in order to enter and remain in the relationship. These are unique to you and are non-negotiable. Needs are things you would like to have and are willing to work with your partner to get them. Also, jot down some notes about what you seek in your potential date and the types of things you want to enjoy in the relationship. By working with a relationship coach, you can create a more detailed and comprehensive action plan. For now, drafting even one page of notes about your desires will help immensely to focus you on what you want before you start getting involved in the dating process.
In a nutshell: Invest now, reap dividends later. By doing your homework now, you’ll find who and what you want more quickly and easily.
2. Pry yourself out of the house.
You’re never going to meet single men and women at your home unless you’re hosting parties for them. No one, except for the mailman, the occasional solicitor or the package delivery guy, is going to come to your front door – and it won’t be for a date. So, get dressed and get out even if it’s for nothing but to take a stroll around the mall or to visit the library. Make an effort to engage in social interaction. It’s important to keep connecting with people. It’s much too easy for singles to become isolated and to have their job as their only social outlet. Schedule it into your calendar to get out of the house at least one day or evening each week.
In a nutshell: Get out of the house because you won’t find anyone there to date.
3. Seek out other singles.
Visit venues where you’ll likely meet other people who are looking to date. This calls for some investigative work on your part. Search online or ask your friends about various venues, clubs, classes, or events that are known to cater to singles. Print out information, make notes and place them in a folder for future reference. Then pick one of these places and check it out. If you’re uncomfortable going by yourself, enlist the company of a friend and go together. Just remember to split up once you arrive so that you can both meet others. You can always get together later and share stories.
In a nutshell: Go where other singles are. Seek out venues where you’ll find others who are seeking what you’re seeking.
4. Suspend critical thinking and just have fun.
Free your mind from limiting beliefs and expectations as to how you think singles are. People carry around all sorts of preconceived notions and judgments about others. Suspend those thoughts for now. Have an open mind. Know that there is one thing we all want – to be connected in meaningful ways to others and to feel loved. We are all just people, more similar to each other rather than different from each other. Adopt an open attitude towards to the experience of getting to know others and you’ll see that reflected back to you. And have fun. Life is so short. Enjoy the journey and you’ll attract others who will want to join you on the way.
In a nutshell: Stop critical thinking. Open your heart to others by first opening your thoughts to being more accepting of others and therefore of yourself.
5. Take your time and pay attention.
You can’t see potential problems (dating red flags), if you’re moving too quickly through the process of getting to know potential new dates. Take your time. Avoid the decision to commit quickly to an exclusive dating arrangement. Make sure things are aligned with your relationship requirements. Meet their friends and family and have them meet yours. Experience a variety of activities with your dates. Take your time to ensure this person is a good fit for you and what you want for your life.
In a nutshell: Dating isn’t a race to the finish. Take your time. Watch for warning signs. If it’s not a good fit, move on and find someone else who is.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Tara’s 7 Simple Relationship Success Tips
Posted by: | CommentsTara’s 7 Simple Relationship Success Tips
By Tara Kachaturoff
Sometimes we become so mired in our day-to-day responsibilities that our relationship with our partner suffers. There’s so much to do, so much to think about and so little time for any of it. What we give our attention to will grow; what we ignore will wither and die. Our relationships are a continual work in progress, requiring attention and care from both partners.
We want our relationship to thrive. We want to be happy, by ourselves and together. Here are some tips to help you keep what’s most important top of mind. While seemingly simple, these tips will serve you and your partner well throughout the years ahead. Working together, you can both be actively engaged in nurturing what you share together. You both win!
7 Relationship Tips
1. Compromise – on some things.
Relationships are a two-way street. You will not always get your way and neither will your partner. It just isn’t possible or realistic. Some things call for compromise and only you and your partner will know what those things are. When an issue arises, discuss it, share your views and then reach a conclusion.
When you establish a give and take, you’ll find a rhythm which allows you to give a little now because, next time, you know your partner will give a little then. It’s never a matter of keeping score; it’s just something you do because you work together as partners for the good of the relationship. You know that you want each of you to be fulfilled in getting needs met even if one may need to compromise to make that happen. You do it because you care and love each other. It’s that simple.
2. Surface resentments and then let them go.
Is there something that irritates you about your partner — something boiling over on the backburner? If so, find the right time to surface it and discuss it. Make sure both of you are free of distraction and have the time and energy for conversation. Until you excavate and share underlying resentments, these things will fester and color all other dealings you have with your partner.
Clearing the air of resentments as they occur, rather than waiting for them to build up into seemingly insurmountable issues, will pay dividends in the end. If you can’t communicate comfortably with your partner, consider hiring a relationship coach who can help both of you to co-create an environment where you both feel safe sharing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your relationship is worth it!
3. Treat your partner like you would treat others.
How do you treat new people you meet? What level of respect do you show them? You wouldn’t belittle, name call, or raise your voice at someone you just met so why would you do these things to your partner?
Your behavior in public shouldn’t be different from what it is at home. If it is, then it should be better, not worse! Take some time to think about how you treat your partner and then take it up a notch. Your partner deserves the best. And, when you give your best, it’s likely you’ll have the same reflected back to you. If you have poor interpersonal skills, again, consider engaging the help of a relationship coach who can help both of you communicate more effectively.
4. Make time for your relationship.
People make time for things that are important to them – going to concerts or the movies, reading a book, watching TV, talking on the phone and socializing on Facebook. Why not funnel some of that time into your relationship. Believe me, at the end of your life, you won’t be reviewing things wondering why you didn’t spend more time sending out tweets or posting trivial status updates to an unknown mass of humanity.
You’re not immortal; time stands still for no one. Spend your time focused on what is real and meaningful. Don’t wait for something to happen to realize what’s truly important in life. If your calendar is where you pencil in all the important things in your life, then pencil in some time with your partner. You’ll both be glad you did.
5. All work and no play makes for a dull relationship.
Dull is a reality of life. Thankfully you can do something about it. Boring, dull and bland are words that will affect, without a doubt, most relationships at one time or another. That’s normal. It’s when this persists for a period that is seemingly without end that it can spell disaster.
Contrary to popular belief, relationships do take work (sometimes hard work) and sometimes we have to plan some excitement into them. Planning can be fun. One idea is to plan a weekly or monthly adventure. It can be to visit a new restaurant, to take a short day trip, or to do something that both of you or one of you has never done before. In fact, rather than create New Year Resolutions that will fall quickly by the wayside, why not sit down together on New Year’s eve (before partying) and plan out one adventure each month for the upcoming year!
6. Happy partners make for a happy couple.
You’ll be a better partner if you have some of your own interests and friends to enjoy on your own – without your partner. It doesn’t matter how much in love you are with your partner or if you adore spending every waking moment with him or her. It’s just not healthy. And, it puts too much pressure on each of you and the relationship to fulfill every whim and need you both may have.
Each of you has a distinct personal identity – and that needs to be nurtured — separately. Certainly, you enjoy many activities together as any couple should; but it’s important to spend time away from each other so each of you can get other important needs met.
No one wants to be smothered or to feel like they can’t have some space and free time to enjoy life as they wish. And don’t forget the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spend some time apart so you can actually miss each other a bit. It makes coming back together all the more enjoyable.
7. Communicate regularly.
It’s so easy to come home from work and bury ourselves in entertainment, more work, or other activities which don’t actively involve consciously communicating with our mate – like playing on social media, for example.
No one wants to be in a relationship all alone. Communication is the glue that keeps it all together. We basically have two options when it comes to communicating with our partner – through our physical actions and by speaking with and listening to each other. That’s it.
Communication includes many things and it’s beyond the common everyday things like asking, “What’s on TV tonight” or “Did you see that crazy video on YouTube?” or discussing what happened on last night’s latest reality TV spectacle. Real communication is about sharing thoughts and feelings and discussing what’s important while giving each other full attention. As M. Scott Peck says, “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
Try it out for yourself
Share these tips with your spouse or significant other. Use them as a basis for further conversation about how you can interact differently with each other for the well-being of your relationship.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.
Singles: Take Time for You
Posted by: | CommentsThe name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you’re going to live long enough to wish you had.
– Grace Mirabella
Life is all about balance. When things are out of balance, everything feels and looks harder than it really is. You have less energy and sometimes your outlook isn’t as bright as it should or could be. And that’s exactly where you don’t want to be – especially if you want to be at your best when it comes to dating!
So what causes your life to become unbalanced? The reasons are innumerable, but here are a few that are very common:
• You don’t get enough sleep.
• You don’t take enough breaks.
• You waste precious time doodling on social media rather than attending to more fulfilling things in your life.
• You take on too many things that are well beyond your capacity to handle all at once.
• You eat poorly which causes other things to spiral out of control.
• You don’t focus on priorities and allow little things or the “issue of the moment” to take you off track.
• You allow others to decide what you should be doing in your life rather than making those decisions for yourself.
• You don’t practice using the word “No” as often as you should.
• You don’t engage in a variety of activities that challenge you mentally, physically, and spiritually.
• You do too much of one thing and allow it to overtake our life at the expense of living a more balanced life.
Dating is one of those life activities that can take over your life. It can also throw your life out of balance. You may be going out a lot, burning the candle at both ends, not eating right, eating too much, not getting enough rest and so on.
Too much of anything, even dating, can lead to burn out. And when you don’t feel your best, other things can suffer. Dating requires a lot of energy output – it’s focused a lot on others and an outward expression of your energy. You must have enough energy coming into your “system” to balance all that is going out.
Sometimes it’s necessary to take a break and take some time off. Reconnect with yourself. Sit quietly; spend some time with a hobby. Get some needed rest and relaxation. Consciously schedule it into your calendar if that’s what it’s going to take. You may even take a day away and get a hotel room and just be by yourself — away from everyone and everything.
Sleep is one of the most important elements of life balance and one which our society, as a whole, fails to appreciate. We think we’re going to be more successful if we keep ourselves in a continuous state of busyness as if we think we might disappear from the face of the planet should we actually take care of ourselves with a little shut eye.
Sleep is a necessary requirement for a healthy mind and body. You can’t “make up” sleep you miss. Your body must have rest so that it can repair itself. And there’s no mistaking that there’s something to be said for “beauty sleep.” It does make you look better!
From time to time, it’s good practice to gather the scattered aspects of yourself and just reflect and be. We all need a break from our lives, including our dating life. Once you take some time off, you’ll find yourself renewed, your energy restored, and most likely, your view on people and things refreshed.
Even when you are dating someone, you need time to yourself. And don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Be conscious about your life balance. Take time to notice what you’re doing with your time and energy and make sure you’re focusing on yourself. You can’t be your best with others if you’re not taking care of you first!
Questions for Further Exploration
• Assess the current state of your life. Does it feel in balance?
• If your life doesn’t feel in balance, identify what you’re doing too much of and too little of?
• How much time do you take each week just to be by yourself, not doing anything (no, you can’t count the time you’re sleeping or commuting to work)?
• What can you eliminate from your schedule to free up at least a half-day to a full-day of “me” time each week?
• What are some self-care activities you can do to refresh your energy? Make a list of at least 10 things.
Copyright © 2011 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media. Excerpted from the book, Dating Success Secrets. Used with permission.
Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is www.relationshipplanning.com.